New thoughts, New You!

If you have been following me, you may have read my post on Tuesday about growing up with alcoholism. It’s not something I’ve shared a lot about. It’s something that creates a feeling of shame for me. Why am I choosing to share now? I’ve decided to take on some old beliefs. Beliefs I’ve had since I was kid, beliefs I didn’t know I had, beliefs that are just not true, and worse, not serving me.

This is what we get to do as adults, question beliefs, decide if we want to keep them, change them, or DITCH them. I have many beliefs about relationships.  How they “should” look. What the “man’s” role is, and what the “woman’s” role is. I’m currently 55 and single, and this circumstance often leads to the thought, “I’m too old to be dating.” That thought has led to stress and anxiety, and fear.

Here’s what I know: You’re never too old. For ANYTHING! (Maybe I’ll go get that belly ring I always wanted??) AND I get to decide how my next relationship looks. I get to decide what I want. But deciding isn’t enough. Once I decide to make a change, I need to take on the beliefs that have kept me stagnant, and blocked me from changing.

So, I’m taking on my belief that most men are stupid (sorry, guys, it’s just what’s in there). I’m taking on my belief that men are not trustworthy. I’m taking on my belief that the man should do all the pursuing.

Here’s my process:

STEP 1: Awareness

               The first step in changing a belief is to be AWARE of that belief.  This belief has come up before. I ignored it (or denied it or decided it was normal). But THIS time…I noticed. The first time you do this, pat yourself on the back for being AWARE. There is no solution without awareness. If you need help with awareness, grab a pen and journal.  There is a connection between the hand and memory. SO, pick up a pen (or pencil) AND start writing. Pick a topic and write down everything you believe. You might be surprised at what comes out. You might not like it. Be the witness, not the judge. Be your own best friend, not your biggest critic. Be curious, not fearful. It’s just paper. You can always burn it.

STEP 2: Acceptance

               This was the hard part for me. Accepting that these thoughts, no matter how judgmental, sexist, or prejudicial, are in my brain. Having thoughts in my brain doesn’t make them true or right. It doesn’t make them useful or helpful. It just makes them THERE. Accepting that unsavory thoughts reside in every brain on this planet is our work. Deciding not to make them mean anything about me is how to get to Step 3: Action. No action will result in lasting change without ACCEPTANCE. Don’t skip this step!  Here’s the KEY…acceptance without shame or judgment or self-ridicule. I learned to do it that way, and now I’m going to unlearn it. Simple. (Note: NOT EASY..simple). Acceptance takes time, patience, and a willingness to examine beliefs without judgment.

Step 3: Action

               Now it’s time to act. I’ve accepted that, yes, these thoughts are here, and no, I don’t want to keep them. What does action look like? More journaling 😊. Write about how a thought is untrue. Then DECIDE what to think instead. Ask the future version of yourself, “What do you think about dating over 50?”  Then create a thought bank for when the old familiar thoughts arise. Put your new beliefs and thoughts on notecards and stick them EVERYWHERE. When the old thoughts creep up, find your notecard. There’s a great app called YAPP if you want them to appear on your phone periodically. Marinate your brain in the new you. THAT’s how to change beliefs and thoughts. It takes time and perseverance. Be kind to yourself.

Need Help? Working with a life coach fast-tracks the process. Book a free Stress Assessment call with me. We will examine old beliefs that create stress or anxiety, or overwhelm. Then you get to decide: Work with me now, work with me later, work with me never.

I can’t wait to meet you and find out what you think about dating over 50!